Humor Me: North To Alaska

“North to Alaska
You go north, the rush is on” 

I will be honest with you. Even though I majored in history in college I don’t know much about Alaska.

Here’s what I know:  “Seward’s Folly”, Sarah Palin, and my daughter-in-law’s parents used to live there. I think I had an uncle and aunt stationed there at one time. That’s about it.  Oh yes, it is big. Bigger than Texas, something Alaska will never let Texas forget.

Alaska is one big old honkin’ state.

We arrived at our pier on Friday and saw our boat. It was the Celebrity Solstice. It was one big old honkin’ boat.


Imagine a Hilton Hotel that floats. That is what the Celebrity Solstice looks like.

First, though, you have to get on the boat.  Getting on the boat is sort of like a vacation version of Ellis Island. There is a lot of people and a ton of luggage. It is could be described as organized chaos if it was organized. To me, it was sort of overwhelming, but then again, I used to get overwhelmed at Six Flags Over Georgia.

We were “Aqua Class”. This is what “Aqua Class” means:  It means we are better than most of you lowly riff-raff people. You know, the people we were a part of until we bought our ticket. Now, there was a level above “Aqua Class”. They were called “The Rich Snots”-not by Celebrity but by my wife and myself. We’re not above class warfare.

Due to our “high” level, we were allowed to enter the boat first. We were processed by the processing people and given cards (sort of like room keys) with your names on them

However, first, you had to get your picture taken. For memories. There were times when I thought the whole purpose of the cruise was to have your picture taken.  I am happy to report to all of my fans that our first cruise picture was totally like all the pictures taken of Mr. and Mrs. Manis. Mrs. Manis looks like a total doll. Mr. Manis looks like a total goob. It is a super power I have.


We boarded the ship and were given champagne. This has never happened to me in Gatlinburg.


I’m not quite sure what champagne is. I know you are supposed to pour it over your head when you win The World Series.  Hawkeye Piece on “M*A*S*H” once said, “Champagne is ginger ale that knows somebody“.


After the champagne, we were allowed to our stateroom. It was about as big as our last hotel room in New York.  The bathroom was real small but it had THE BEST SHOWER ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.


We then decided to check out the Oceanside Café.


Note, unlike some other cruises that I’ve heard about, this cruise did not have a 24-hour T-Bone Steak buffet or a 24-hour ice cream station. It had “specialty” restaurants that were determined by your cabin class. Our restaurant was “Blu”.


But the entire ship could go to The Oceanside Café, which should have been called “The Golden Corral of The Seas”.  Here you enjoy seeing everybody trying to eat everything. Something about buffets brings out the pigs in people.  It was like they were eating their last meal.


This is probably because the first thing you do besides drinking champagne and pigging out is to go to the safety class.  This was a good thing for us because we were going in an area that has icebergs and everybody has seen “Titanic”.


The safety class shows you were your  life jackets are in your room (under your bed). That’s about all I got from it. But we did hear from our captain. He said, “I’ve never gotten lost going to Alaska. Twice in a row”.  I must say, the captain was a very funny man.


After the safety class, it was time to set your phone to airplane mode! I mean, Set Sail!



Next Time:  Life on The Boat.