The Obligatory Democratic National Convention Review

Oh well, another week and another political convention.

The Democratic National Convention convened on Monday night in Philadelphia, the home of the people that boo Santa Claus.

Appropriately enough, the convention began with people booing the invocation. That’s the modern day Democratic Party.

The reason for the boos was the leaked e-mails.

A website, WikiLeaks, published e-mails from party chairman Debbie “Wasserman” Schultz and other officials showing that they favored Hillary Clinton over Senator Bernie Larry David Sanders. This angered many supporters of Sanders who thought it was “not cool”.

In fact, the e-mails showed Debbie “Wasserman” Schultz tried to become part of the one-per-cent: the one-per-cent of people that have actually seen “Hamilton”. “Hamilton” is a hip-hop Broadway play about Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton who was killed in a duel with Vice President Aaron Burr. And you thought 2016 had some dirty politics.

It all sort of, kind of, worked out in the end. Debbie resigned. This didn’t make the Bernie supporters happy because there is so much injustice in the world, man.

Fortunately, First Lady Michelle Obama spoke on Monday Night and reminded people that America has been the greatest country in the world since 2008.

On Tuesday Night, The Democrats trotted out former President Bill Clinton for one of his patented 12-hour speeches where he points his crooked finger, bites his lip, and generally takes credit for inventing every good and perfect thing in life.

However, President Bill’s job, this time, was to “re-introduce” his wife to the American people because while many Americans see Hillary as a she-devil still others see her as an amoral snake.  President Bill sought to humanize her in his speech.

“Yeah, I remember the first time I ever saw Hillary. She was sitting in front of me in a class about something, I don’t know what ’cause I was hung over. I would cheat off her paper. Anyway, there she was with her flared bell bottom blue jeans wearing a pair of Dingo boots. She had on these big old glasses. She had that greasy looking blond hair that she hadn’t washed in a week. You’re gonna laugh at this, but she was wearing this big gray t-shirt that had a picture of Snoopy as ‘Joe Cool’ and I don’t think she was wearing a bra. I could always tell about that kind of stuff. She was wearing no makeup unless you count the Clearasil on her pimples. And frankly, she smelled like weed.  Boy, she was hot.”




On Wednesday Night, the Democrats brought Vice President Biden, who gave the same speech as Melania Trump did last week. Ha, ha, just a little Joe Biden humor. Biden made the point that Donald Trump doesn’t have the temperament or the experience to become President. By this way, this was also pointed out by Trump’s 4000 opponents in the Republican primaries.

President Obama also spoke. His theme: Everything is awesome. Except when it is not. Then it is not awesome. Together, we can make it awesome. Some people want to make it awesome like it was in the past. While the past is awesome, it can never be as awesome as the future. Therefore, let’s make the future awesome by electing someone from the past who will keep things the way they are: awesome.

Finally, Thursday night came and Hillary’s big moment had finally arrived: her first speech as the first woman ever nominated by a major party to be President.

One problem: the way Hillary gives a speech.  Hillary puts a period at the end of every word in a sentence. On top of that, she shouts each word.

The Gettysburg Address by Hillary Clinton:  “FOUR. SCORE. AND. SEVEN. YEARS. AGO.”

To be fair, yes, Trump shouts too. Trump’s speeches sound like he has ADD. I halfway expect Trump to say “LOOK! SQUIRREL” in the middle of his speeches.

Hillary’s speech said THAT. THERE. WAS. NOTHING. WE. COULDN’T. DO. TOGETHER. It was such an exciting, history making speech, President Bill was caught snoozing on camera.

So there we have it. America elects either a pompous baboon or a lying weasel.